I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
