I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
All the doctor said was why
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
