saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
