My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
