Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
