wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If I had your ass I would rule the world
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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