It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm gonna fight the coyote
A+ Viking dick
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
