I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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