i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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