Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
