You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
