I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
