Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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