Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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