You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
