Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
