I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
