Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
