there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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