i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
