I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
