I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
