Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
