My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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