The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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