He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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