I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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