She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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