they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
