I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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