apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
