I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
