i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
