I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
