I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
