Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
