I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
where are you?
Hypothermia
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
