There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
