My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
