First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
