I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
