Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
