I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
