I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I don't think brook has ever known best
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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