This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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