Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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