Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
