Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
