How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
