I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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