I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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